Neuroscience Explains Genuine Romantic Interest: The Chemistry behind Love!

Διαβάστε στα Ελληνικά

Romantic attraction is often experienced as something vague or contradictory, especially when there is inconsistency between words and actions or avoidance of meaningful communication. Expressions such as "something wasn’t right" or "there was no chemistry" are not merely subjective impressions but reflect specific neurobiological processes that are activated — or fail to be activated — in the brain and body.

Neuroscience offers a clear framework for understanding when and how genuine interest translates into behaviour. Through brain chemistry, we can recognise the signs of a true connection, as well as the reasons why a relationship struggles to establish itself.

The Neurochemistry of Romantic Attraction

As popular wisdom calls it "chemistry," perhaps without knowing the background of the expression, romantic attraction has its roots deep in the chemistry of the brain and body, where specific neurochemical substances and hormones are activated:

• Dopamine: The neurotransmitter of reward and motivation. It enhances the desire for contact and links the presence of the other person with the expectation of positive feelings. For example, a person experiencing intense attraction on a first meeting may feel revitalising energy and anticipation for the next date — an indication of increased dopamine.

• Oxytocin: The so-called "bonding hormone," which facilitates trust, emotional attachment, and intimacy. Its release is favoured in conditions of emotional security and genuine connection. For example, when a couple, after a difficult conversation, manages to reconnect through tender physical touch, emotional closeness is strengthened through oxytocin. Conversely, forms of intimacy without emotional connection do not activate this bonding mechanism in the same way.

• Serotonin: Contributes to mood regulation and a sense of emotional balance, enhancing positive social interactions. For example, a couple who laugh and share pleasant moments experience an increase in serotonin, a factor that strengthens the positive emotional bond.

• Vasopressin: A hormone that plays a significant role — particularly in men — in the creation and maintenance of bonds, as well as in monogamous commitment. Its action is associated with behaviours of protection, care, and taking responsibility towards the partner, reinforcing the sense of commitment and stability.

When these substances are activated in balance, what we experience as "chemistry" in love is created. When, on the contrary, this balance is absent, the brain often sends signals of discomfort, indicating that something in the connection is not working.

How the Brain’s Reward System Encourages Genuine Interest

The reward system, with dopamine as its central pathway, motivates us to seek experiences that bring pleasure and satisfaction. When someone truly wants to be with you, this system is activated by your presence, making them prioritise you, initiate communication, and invest emotionally.

For example, in a relationship where the  feels that the man always finds time to listen to her and have a conversation, even if he has a busy schedule, this shows activation of the reward system and genuine interest.

Consistent, meaningful behaviour — not just words — is the clearest sign of genuine interest:

• To be consistent in their attitude, not only during the "good phases"

• To actively care about your feelings and consider them in their decisions

• To integrate the relationship into their life (circle of friends, daily life, future plans)

• To seek solutions rather than avoid difficulties or discussions

• To show respect for your boundaries and needs

• To take responsibility for mistakes or failures without defensiveness or shifting blame

• To have synchronisation between what they say, feel, and do

Conversely, when we feel that "something is not right" or notice avoidance of meaningful discussions, the brain experiences cognitive dissonance — a state of mental and emotional discomfort resulting from inconsistency between words and actions. This activates stress mechanisms, is associated with increased cortisol and decreased oxytocin, and ultimately hinders the creation of a safe and meaningful bond.

For example, someone who feels that their partner avoids deep conversations will start doubting whether that person really cares, despite superficial politeness, words, or isolated positive actions.

Creating a Safe Space for Trust and Connection

True connection presupposes the creation of a safe space for our emotions and body. When a person feels secure within the relationship, the brain reduces the secretion of stress hormones and allows oxytocin to enhance trust and emotional intimacy.

An additional critical element of this safe framework is each partner’s ability to reassure the other when difficulties or tensions arise. Active support and prioritising the relationship — even in demanding moments — contribute to restoring calm and strengthening emotional security.

Therefore, it is necessary to be able to create a safe and supportive "space" for our partner, through a mode of communication based on trust, so that they feel able to manage and overcome everyday issues.

For example, when a couple cultivates an emotionally safe space in which partners can express themselves without fear of criticism, rejection, or invalidation, emotional intimacy is substantially reinforced and oxytocin release is favoured.

In this context, emotional regulation plays a decisive role. When both partners can recognise and manage their emotions calmly, patiently, and empathetically, anxiety is reduced and stability, trust, and deeper emotional connection are cultivated.

In relationships where emotional expression occurs without impulsiveness and meets understanding and acceptance, the bond is strengthened and established on a stable and resilient foundation of trust.

On the contrary, when emotional security, trust, and open, meaningful communication are absent, stress hormones are activated. The person experiences this state as threatening and the relationship struggles to maintain balance and coherence.

For example, when we perceive that our partner is not honest, even if there is no clear or "tangible" evidence. Or when we notice small or larger changes in their behaviour which are not openly discussed, but nevertheless create the inner feeling that "something is wrong."

The Role of Vasopressin in Men

While women rely on oxytocin to create and maintain emotional bonds, men have an additional key hormone: vasopressin. Vasopressin is activated in cases of monogamy and bonding, enhancing the sense of protection and commitment towards the partner.

The production and activation of vasopressin in men is strengthened within relationships where the woman conveys stability, consistency, and clear intent of commitment, cultivating a framework of emotional security and trust. Emotional responsiveness, non-judgmental acceptance, recognition and appreciation of the man’s efforts, as well as encouragement of cooperation and his protective role, function as enhancers in creating the bond. At the same time, physical and emotional intimacy within a context of exclusivity and mutuality contributes to the biological reinforcement of commitment, as vasopressin is mainly activated when the bond is experienced as safe, stable, and meaningful.

For example, a man who feels vasopressin released often exhibits protective, approaching, and committing behaviours, such as actively caring about his partner’s well-being and trying to solve problems together with her.

Detecting Authenticity through Neurons

Mirror neurons in our brain allow us to "read" others’ intentions and emotions by interpreting body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. When words and actions are not synchronised, the subconscious perceives cognitive dissonance, reducing trust.

This process starts instinctively in the subconscious, which operates much faster than conscious thought. That is why many times we feel that "something is not right" without being able to explain exactly why. This phenomenon corresponds to expressions like "trusting my gut" or "gut feeling" in English.

For example, if someone says "I care about you," but avoids eye contact, appears distant, or does not synchronize their non-verbal signals (body language) with their words, doubt is created along with a strong sense of lack of "chemistry."

How Manipulators Can Exploit the Chemistry of Love for Their Own Benefit

Knowledge of neurochemistry and the psychology of attraction can strengthen healthy relationships. Unfortunately, some people can use this information to emotionally influence or control others.

For example, knowing the importance of oxytocin in bond formation, a manipulative partner may frequently provoke moments of "intimacy" — such as sudden hugs or kisses — without genuine emotional availability, creating a false sense of security and commitment. The victim feels "chemistry," while the connection remains superficial.

At the same time, avoidance of meaningful discussions, despite apparent interest, causes cognitive dissonance. The manipulative partner lets the other hope, while in reality avoiding true emotional investment — e.g., saying "I care about you," but avoiding discussing future plans or commitments.

Moreover, understanding vasopressin in men can be used strategically, for instance through creating jealousy or insecurity, to strengthen attachment in a negative way.

Recognising these manipulative behaviours, which exploit our natural needs for connection and security, is critical to protect ourselves and choose relationships based on honesty and reciprocity.

Read in detail how to recognise and protect yourself from manipulative people here:

https://www.thomais.gr/post/manipulators-part-1-how-to-identify-them-all-their-tactics 

Summary

• Genuine attraction is guided by dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and, in men, vasopressin, a hormone linked to commitment, monogamy, and a protective attitude towards the female partner. These substances create pleasure, emotional bonding, and motivation for connection.

• The brain’s reward system encourages stable, consistent behaviours, meaningful actions, and emotional investment in the relationship.

• Creating an emotionally safe space reduces stress and strengthens trust and the biological establishment of the bond.

• Emotional regulation and empathy support long-term connection and relationship stability.

• Avoidance of meaningful discussions and inconsistency create cognitive dissonance, undermining authenticity and emotional security.

• Mirror neurons contribute to the unconscious detection of emotional consistency, helping us discern if the interest is real or superficial.

Remember that most diseases and "autoimmune" conditions are also characterised by hormonal imbalance. So, when we maintain relationships that do not provide us with peace and joy, especially when they are long-lasting, and they can cause hormonal imbalance. We literally put our health at risk! I analyse more specific details here, information that we all need to know!:

https://www.thomais.gr/post/autoimmune-diseases-everything-we-need-to-know-hormonal-imbalances-pms-prostate-skin-conditio 

I hope this helps and clarifies some questions.

Wishing everyone a happy new year, dear friends, with health, happiness, lots of love, and healthy, meaningful relationships, free from psychological harm and toxicity.

Sign up so I can keep you updated with articles, studies, and health recipes.

For any inquiries, simple communication, or if you need to address health concerns using Natural - Holistic Therapy, feel free to contact me directly, or fill out the Medical History form (Free & Confidential). I will review it and inform you about what we can do (limited availability, language option at the top right of the homepage).

*I personally manage my website and forms, and no one else has access to your data. Therapy files are protected by law under Medical Confidentiality.

Thank you very much for your visit and your supportive messages! They give me the strength to continue opposing the dangerous industry that profits from our illness…

Loads of Love,

Thomais

Internationally Certified Holistic Therapist

Member of IPHM

Biography

Holistic Therapy

All my articles

The article is for informational purposes and is based on long-term research and studies. 

You may republish the article in its entirety, not in part, and without citing the source. 

All rights reserved © Thomais de Fois 2023