Women’s Roles & Behaviours in Relationships: The Psychology Behind Adaptation

Thomais
11 hours ago
7 min read

Many men struggle to understand the behaviours of their female partner. They may even believe that women consciously choose to play the role of the “mother”, the “strict one”, or the “easy-going partner”.

In reality, most of these behaviours are the result of psychological mechanisms of adaptation within the dynamics of the relationship. The literature in Psychology explains that women respond to their partner’s stimuli, adopting – often unconsciously – behaviours in order to satisfy the needs of the relationship.

I am writing about this because of a recent experience.

To help understand more easily what kinds of relationships we tend to create, let us look at the science behind them.

The Theory of Interpersonal Complementarity in Psychology

The theory of interpersonal complementarity supports that people tend to assume roles that complement the needs of the other. When someone expresses a specific behaviour, the other tends to respond with the opposite yet complementary style.

In romantic relationships, this means that the woman unconsciously adjusts her behaviour to balance that of her partner. It is not a conscious choice, but an automatic reaction to the energy she receives from the other.

When the man expresses feminine energy, the woman may adopt a more masculine stance. Conversely, when the man is masculine and autonomous, the woman feels safe and is calm, relaxed and playful.

To better understand relationship dynamics, let us look at attachment styles.

Attachment Theory

Attachment Theory in Psychology (Bowlby, Ainsworth) explains how early experiences with caregivers (parents/guardians) shape the way people relate emotionally in their adult life.

In Psychology, therefore, we have four forms of attachment:

Secure

Comfort with intimacy and balance between relationship and autonomy.

Behavioural examples

They openly express their sadness.
They ask for support without guilt.
They respect their partner’s personal time.
They disagree without threats.
They maintain friendships and interests.
They regulate their emotions calmly.
They communicate with stability and consistency.
They offer care without excess.

Aggressive behaviours:

Not present.

Insecure-Avoidant

Avoidance of emotional closeness and excessive emphasis on independence.

Behavioural examples

They avoid deep emotional discussions.
They change the subject when the discussion becomes emotionally charged.
They project excessive independence.
They distance themselves when they feel pressure.
They struggle to express tenderness (“I miss you”).
They feel uncomfortable with intense intimacy.
They downplay the importance of the relationship.
They prefer practical solutions to emotional depth.

Aggressive behaviours:

Emotional pressure (e.g. repeated messages, excessive jealousy, threats of leaving) in order to provoke a reaction from the partner.

Insecure-Anxious / Preoccupied

Intense fear of abandonment and need for constant reassurance; dependent relationships.

Behavioural examples

They display immature behaviours and cling to their partner.
They seek frequent reassurance (“Do you love me?”).
They interpret neutral attitudes as rejection.
They struggle to stay alone without anxiety.
They panic over small distances or delays.
They sacrifice their needs in order not to lose their partner.
They threaten to leave in order to provoke a reaction.
They struggle to decide without approval.
They become easily jealous and compare themselves with others.

Aggressive behaviours:

Aggression may be explosive and unpredictable, alternating with withdrawal and coldness, manipulative behaviours.

I will stay a bit on this, as I’ve experienced it.

In dysfunctional relationships, where the male partner struggles to provide a safe emotional environment, they often resort to baby-like behaviours such as baby talk, cuddling teddy bears, screaming when the phone rings, and childish reactions.

Psychologically, these behaviours reflect arrested emotional development, or dependence on immature coping mechanisms, undermining the creation of a stable, protective space that the woman requires.

This dynamic forces the woman to adopt a more nurturing or parental role, disrupting the natural balance of the relationship.

In the same case, I pointed out the problem, saying "so, you want a dependency relationship...?" and I got the answer "uh, yeah." This shows us that the person doesn't realize the dysfunction and the problems it creates

Insecure-Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant)

Desire for closeness that coexists with fear of intimacy and contradictory behaviour.

Behavioural examples

They approach intensely and then withdraw suddenly.
They send contradictory messages (“I need you” / “Don’t pressure me”).
They fear abandonment but sabotage the relationship.
They alternate between warmth and coldness.
They struggle to trust even a stable partner.
They have outbursts and then withdraw.
They remain in unstable or toxic relationships.
They overreact to small misunderstandings.
They feel they do not deserve love and that others will hurt them.

Aggressive behaviours:

More passive or cold, avoidance, irony, coldness or minimising the importance of the relationship.

Ickes, W. & Hausmann, R. (1997). Complementarity in Interpersonal Relationships.

https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0022-3514.73.4.862

Three Core Roles Adopted by Women

The Relaxed and Playful Partner

When a woman feels that she is in a relationship with a man who shows healthy attachment and radiates maturity, responsibility, emotional maturity, independence, confidence and security, the woman does not feel the need to protect or correct, but can express the more spontaneous, playful side of herself.

Psychology shows that emotional security is one of the most important factors determining how a woman will adapt within a relationship.

This happens because the woman feels she is with a “real man”; her anxiety decreases and this allows her to feel that she can be herself and free from the need to take on the responsibility of maintaining balance in the relationship.

Personally, when I feel a sense of security with the man in the relationship, I become silly and cheerful!! Hahaha

Psychological basis: According to attachment theory, adults with a secure attachment style tend to develop healthier and more balanced relationships. Emotional dependency is not healthy attachment.

Hazan, C. & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process.

https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511

The Maternal Partner

When the man behaves immaturely, does not provide a sense of security, displays feminine energy, or emotional dependency, the woman automatically assumes the maternal (responsible) role.

This behaviour is not a conscious choice, but a reaction to the need to “care for” the relationship — an unconscious response to her partner’s immaturity.

When the man is emotionally unstable, immature or unable to take responsibility, the woman may end up playing the role of the mother, trying to fill her partner’s gaps and maintain balance in the relationship.

This adaptation is usually expressed through the woman attempting to guide and “correct” the situation, often assuming roles related to nurturing or protection.

Psychological studies show that this behaviour stems from the woman’s need to feel that she has full control and that her relationship is stable, due to her partner’s immaturity.

George, R. & Solomon, J. (1999). Caregiving Systems: A Transactional Approach. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/10317-005

The Dominant Partner

When the man does not assume the leadership role that creates security for the woman, is passive, indecisive, immature, or displays feminine energy, the woman may be forced to take control, presenting masculine energy.

This creates a dynamic in which the woman “rules” the relationship, something that often burdens her emotionally, weakens her, and creates a strong sense of insecurity within the relationship. It is capable of causing irritation and emotional distancing.

Psychological basis: Social exchange theory explains how individuals assume roles in order to maintain balance within the relationship.

Homans, G. C. (1958). Social Behaviour as Exchange.

https://www.jstor.org/stable/2776393

Women’s Roles Are Not a Choice

Psychology has demonstrated that most behaviours in relationships are unconscious adaptations. Women (and men) respond to stimuli.

When a partner shows insecurity or immaturity, the woman often automatically adapts in order to maintain the balance of the relationship and to feel that it remains strong and controlled, assuming greater responsibility. This is not a conscious choice, but the unconscious activation of a primal survival instinct.

This dynamic, which feeds insecurity, is harmful to the woman, leads to emotional exhaustion and ultimately creates distancing within the relationship, since the continuous assumption of the “mother” or responsible role can leave her emotionally drained.

Just for fun, I laughed recently, when a Psychologist friend posted:

"If your woman is relaxed and playful, she's with a MAN who she feels safe with.

If she is acting like your mother, she's dating A LITTLE BOY.

If she's always dominant, hardened, with masculine energy...she's with a PRINCESS, and the relationship demands her to be this way."

Healthy & Toxic Relationships

Nevertheless, it is the responsibility and need of both genders to experience healthy relationships that do not create insecurity, do not exhaust us, do not pressure us, do not create chaos or constant anxiety, and allow us to be spontaneously ourselves, calmly and with ease.

Toxic relationships are harmful to our health, as I explain below in the two articles I provide.

How We Create Balanced Relationships

We recognise our own role – We understand how our own behaviour influences our partner’s reaction.

We communicate openly – We speak about our needs without expecting our partner to “guess”.

We take responsibility – Change begins with us, not with our partners.

We solve Problems: The most important step is to recognise the wrong attachment type in the relationship. If we belong to a category that creates unhealthy attachment relationships, we make sure to begin addressing this.

Therapy

I recommend Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), although in Greece these approaches are still behind, and they are the most useful for such issues.

And be careful not to fall into the trap of believing that we can “sustain” a relationship through pretended behaviour. It can only lead to complications, because of the lack of a stable-spontaneous base!!

Here you can also read my article where I explain the “chemistry” behind relationships and attraction, based on Neuropsychology. I consider it very beneficial.

And here I explain how to recognise and protect ourselves from manipulative behaviours, also important.

So, that’s it for today. I hope I helped! Love each other!!

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Loads of Love,

Thomais

Internationally Certified Holistic Therapist

Member of IPHM

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